Top 10 Or So Reasons Why We Hate Kobe.
Friday, 4 June 2010
Kobe Bryant is the most polarizing player in the NBA. Some people love Kobe. Others love to hate him. We happen to fall in the latter camp. So, yes, we sell a t-shirt that says “Fuck Kobe“. It is not for the feint of heart. We’ve sold the shirt for awhile, but maybe never truly examined the impetus behind its inception. So we researched a bit about why we feel the way we feel about Kobe.
We have, for your entertainment and education, compiled The Top 10 or So Reasons Why We Hate Kobe.*
*We started with Top 10 Things We Hate About Kobe…but this just kept growing. Odd. So we give you, now, The Top 10 or So Reasons Why We Hate Kobe.
10. “Pulling a Kobe Bryant” is an actual, and certainly unflattering, entry in Urban Dictionary.
9. Shaq, “The Big
Aristotle Scatalogical” wrote and performed an inspired rap for Kobe with a tremendous hook you’ll have a tough time getting out of your head.
7. Nothing says, “I love you” like a $4,000,000, 8-carat ring…except for maybe a bad tattoo with your wife’s name, your self-awarded butterfly crown and a pair of tribal wings lifting your tarnished wedding band from the ashes. We’d lay even money she would have settled for your simply not taking advantage of a 19-year old hotel employee. Call us old-fashioned.
6. We’re not even sure where to begin with his recent photo shoot. It’s not cool to clown a guy for wearing a burka and trying to bring awareness to the undeniable oppression women in many muslim countries endure…but, really, wtf?
5. This one is sort of a reach, but we thought it pretty comical when Kobe was suspended for “unnatural acts” during the course of play. Unfortunately, this didn’t involve donkeys. It was simply Kobe throwing his hands out to the sides after he shot, yes on offense, and smacking defenders about the head, neck, chest and breast area in an attempt to draw a foul. We love that the Mamba was suspended for consecutively loosing teeth in Manu and Marko’s respective mouths.
5a. One of our fondest memories is Kobe and Boise State’s own Chris Childs getting lippy in a game. Kobe just ran his mouth. Childs punched him in it. Twice. It was kind of amazing. And who fights Reggie Miller? Reggie Miller is like that super-annoying 8-yr old who lives on you block…I mean, sure, he’s a first class asshole, and you want to hit him sometimes, but you never would because, I mean, look at him. He’s 8. Moreover, then you’d have to fight his younger sister too, and she’d probably hand you your lunch. And that’s just embarrassing.
4. His own coach, who many consider one of the greatest coaches of all time, quitting…then penning a biography called Mind Games in which he both calls Kobe “uncoachable” and reveals that Kobe used to sabotage his own high school games to keep them close…so he could win them in the end. Granted, Phil Jackson returned to Kobe and The Lakers…so we’re not entirely sure whose ego would win in an Indian leg wrestling match…but that is another argument for another blog for another author.
3. Kobe will be remembered as one of the all-time greats. Period. He will be remembered that way, because he is one of the all time greats. He may be the first great, however, to be remembered as a selfish player. Does he make his teammates better? Jordan made Pimpin one of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players (sorry Scottie, but we think your success had a lot to do with 23.) Kobe railroaded Shaq, a legit Top 10 player of all time, out of town, but not before throwing him under the marriage train. But, honestly, name one player who has truly elevated his game as a result of Kobe’s play and leadership. Really. We’d argue Lamar Odom has a higher ceiling than Pippen, but not nearly the impact. Certainly a lot of that is on Odom, but a “great player” makes others around him better, not disappear.
2. Any time your called the A-Rod of the NBA you are doing something wrong.
That is true, but weak, so we give you…
2a. Getting such ridiculously favorable calls from the refs that Ralph Nader sees fit to pen a letter to David Stern outlining the injustices of his preferential treatment…and how it affects global warming. We’re not sure what’s more amazing about the letter below…the fact that Nader saw fit to get involved, or the fact that the Sacramento Kings were (1) in a playoff series during the 2000’s and (2) had a chance to close out the Lakers in 6. What a precipitous drop the last 8 years have proven for the Maloofs.
1. Iron Mike Tyson is on your side. Though we freely admit that Kid Dynamite’s bit part in The Hangover was inspired business and went a long way to making Mike more human…the truth is he is also a rapist, woman-beater and having him in your corner can’t be a good sign.